Alright, I am going to address a MAJOR issue in my life, a major issue in many peoples lives (especially women)... my weight. I topped the scales at 98.8 pounds today at the gym. I was soooo bummed.
My issues with my weight are the opposite of.... pretty much everyone. I have never felt I suffered from any 'eating disorder'. There are times I comfort myself with a pint of chocolate ice cream, and there are times where stress (I mean STRESS like new marriage new baby deployed husband move new baby new house, co-mingled with the passing of friends, family members and pets... it has been an intense decade...) just makes food NOT a priority.
I have a very high metabolism and am the kind of person that can generally indulge in all the fattening/sugary food I want on top of a few healthy meals a day without noticing a difference. I've never really worried about loosing 5 or 10 pounds... which is not to say I have a perfect body image, especially after two kids! I have just never really payed attention to my weight. Until recently. I have been under 100 pounds for about 2 years. At 5'1", it's not outside 'normal'. But you know, I have NO BOOBS, and my hands are starting to look like old ladies, and people always make comments about my weight.
The funny(sad?) thing is that the biggest motivation for me to gain 10 pounds is the comments. So that people will stop treating me like... a freak. I KNOW I am thin. I AM NOT trying to loose weight. You DO NOT need to tell me how I should try and gain weight with that concerned tone of voice. I wish I could set a number on the dial and hold it there, just like pretty much everyone else!
But no one believes you/gives a shit when you say you want to gain 15 pounds. Everyone continues to make patronizing remarks about my size, which is all of a sudden acceptable because they aren't saying I'm fat. But my size isn't really in my own control. Why is it ok to hate on a natural size 0? And as much as the fashion world 'loves' thin it is HARD for me to find clothes that fit. Especially clothes made for real adults. Don't get me started about shopping for jeans. Shopping for clothes leaves me wishing I were a more 'normal' size.
More 'normal'. I have been trying to put myself over 100lb mark, for months but actively, as in eating painful amounts of the richest foods I can muster, laying around with sick kiddos, weeks without a run at the gym. I maybe gained a pound? So, I have come to a point where I get that maybe 98 pounds is 'normal' for me. If I'd have to sit on the couch all day and eat only McDonalds forever in order to gain a few pounds... to uh, look 'healthier' to other people... it's absurd right? Because I still don't really care about The Number On The Scale. I care about SOCIETAL ACCEPTANCE. Which is pointless, because society always has some way to make you feel like the other.
I'm thin. Maybe I'll always be really thin, or maybe I won't be.
But I am sick of trying to expain to people... I am not at the gym trying to loose weight! I am there because I feel better after a run and some yoga. I'm not eating quinoa and cauliflower because I am on a diet... I happen to really enjoy food that other people make faces at. I would be happy to share some recipes. But I also love french fries, and eat enough chocolate/ice cream on a DAILY BASIS that after six years I think I can still often shock my husband. I know no one wants to throw a pity party for the girl who can eat the whole pan of brownies WITHOUT it going straight to her thighs... but I'm the girl who drops to 5 pounds when she skips a meal and then not even absurd amounts of christmas crack brings those 5 pounds back.
So there it is.
If you know me and read this and are still worried about my weight, please feel free to send me donations in the form of chocolate (totally serious) but this is mostly directed at random people at the gym (ok and the 4,762 assorted comments from family members at my sisters wedding)
XO
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