Bad mommy

Uuuuggghhhhh. Today was a rough day. In many aspects, but the thing that is lingering isn't the traffic or the icky fast food I ate at breakfast or the holiday chaos. It's bad mommy.

Moms, we try so hard to be bigger than ourselves. Inhumanly patient and tender and always ready for anything be it a scraped knee or a fussy infant or hungry toddler. As a stay at home mom, sometimes I feel like I don't have any excuse for not being... perfect. I have the time to make the crafty stuff and be involved in school things and bake with and for the kids. And I don't feign to be perfect... But I probably.. definitely feel like I have to try.


Both kids' Christmas parties were today. We got excited, talked about Christmas, sang carols all week, made gifts for the teachers, and baked goodies to bring in. Vinh got a little weird when we walked in to his party in the morning and didn't really want to participate, but was eventually lured into line and shook his jingle bell and held his part of the 'Merry Christmas' sign. Ok, job done. Break for lunch an get back for Amaya to practice, blow her a kiss when we walk in. I was a little nervous, as... pressured situations and forced performance is not her forte. She looked alright and I felt good I hadn't pressured her too much about it but just let her know I just wanted her to try and participate as much as she could. So the second they go to sing... Amaya hangs her tongue out of her mouth an sticks her hands down the seat of her pants. For all four carols. All the other kids, some I know to be quite shy and awkward, eventually got into it in some way, danced, laughed, sang... Amaya just stood there with her tongue out and her hands on her butt. And stayed that way until the teachers went to hand out gifts, then that was all she cared about. Well.

I've never been so embarrassed/horrified of one of my kid's behavior :( But of course all that means is I am a Bad mom. I know that isn't her thing, I tried to prepare her, encourage her, without pushing... Just felt like such a huge parenting fail. I know she gets stage fright.. I get that. But it was more that that, it was defiant and so totally inappropriate. I certainly didn't expect perfection but this felt like, wow I have not yet properly taught my child how to behave in public. Or mind her manners, or her teachers. Or that the spirit of Christmas isn't just GIMME.

So when she went to grab the gift her teachers had for her, and wanted cupcakes and cookies and punch... I told her no. I told her you do not get to participate in the party if you refuse to do even try to do your small part to participate in the class. And you don't get to go home and watch cartoons, you're going home to get a time out!

Mean bad mommy. I hate her more than my kids do. My kids are spoiled.. Because life is short and shitty and my kids are the best thing ever so why not? I don't mind my kids being spoiled, I just won't allow them to be spoiled BRATS. And that is what I was getting.



Well, so. It was a crappy day, but Amaya and I had a long talk about what it means to try and put your best foot forward even when you're feeling shy or scared or tired. About how the only time I feel disappointed in her is when she doesn't try. Hopefully I got through, because as much as I'm not a toddlers and tiaras type mom, I do expect her to be able to participate in a small thing like that as much as the next student. Probably just added to her psychiatry bill.

Parenting is rough man. Sorry Amaya, that society expects conformity from you, and that as your mother it's my job to teach you how to get by. Which sometimes means public speaking/singing/performance :/ I will try to get you used to that while nurturing and supporting you in the things you naturally love and thrive at (which is really everything else!)

Tomorrow is a new day...